I must be myself

2011-11-14T21:21:00.001-08:00

The strongest structures ever built are the ones that don't get built at all.
The kinda bricks that don't get laid are the only kind that never fall.

Chorus:
He taught himself how not to lose
By never really trying to win
That's how the man in front of you became
The boy who never
I'm afraid of what might happen if together we build a wall.
Cause the only kinda love that never gets built is the only kinda love that never falls.

Chorus:
So i forfeit future tears of joy
To save us both from pain
I could kiss you now, but i'd only miss you more
When i walk away
When i walk away

Refrain:
I never let my heart speak through my lips
I'll never let my hands rest on your hips
I never said i love you, but the heart never lies
I know you heard me say it when i said it with my eyes
So i forfeit future tears of joy
To save us both from pain
I could kiss you now, but i'd only miss you more
He taught himself how not to lose
By never really trying to win
That's how the man in front of you became
The boy who never
The Boy Who Never.

2011-11-02T20:39:00.001-07:00

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy.
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start.

2011-10-23T18:18:00.001-07:00

He wanted a girl who he could never have, he created her.....

Before the Sunrise

2011-10-22T08:34:00.000-07:00

1.Celine:I believe if there's any kind of God it wouldn't be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.

2.Jesse:Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it's not just a fear of commitment or that I'm incapable of caring or loving because... I can. It's just that, if I'm totally honest with myself I think I'd rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I'd just been in a nice, caring relationship.

3.Celine:I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away.

4.Celine:You know what I want?
Jesse:What?
Celine:To be kissed.
Jesse:Well I can do that.

5.Celine:I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you.

6.Celine:No, then it's like some male fantasy. Meet a French girl on the train, fuck her, and never see her again.

7.Celine:Each time I wear black, or like, lose my temper, or say anything about anything, you know, they always go, "Oh it's so French. It's so cute." Ugh! I hate that!

8.Celine:You know, I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more. You know, women, free your minds, free your bodies, sleep with me. We're all happy and free as long as I can fuck as much as I want.

9.Street Poet:Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going / Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?

10.Jesse:Everybody's parents fucked them up. Rich kids parents gave them too much. Poor kids, not enough. You know, too much attention, not enough attention. They either left them or they stuck around and taught them the wrong things.

11.Celine:I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that.

12.Jesse:I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

13.Jesse:You know what's the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It's when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they're thinking of you. You know, you'd like to think you're both in all this pain but they're just like "Hey, I'm glad you're gone".

14.Celine:Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

15.Jesse:Yeah, I know, I know. It's just, people have these romantic projections they put on everything. That's not based on any kind of reality.

16.Jesse:I mean, just once, I'd love to see, some little old lady save up all her money, to go to the fortune teller, and she'd get there, all excited about hearing her future, and the woman would say, "Um-humm. Tomorrow, and all your remaining days will be exactly like today. A tedious collection of hours. And you will have no new passions, and no new thoughts and no new travels, and when you die, you'll be completely forgotten.

17.Jesse:You know what drives me crazy? It's all these people talking about how great technology is, and how it saves all this time. But, what good is saved time, if nobody uses it? If it just turns into more busy work. You never hear somebody say, "With the time I've saved by using my word processor, I'm gonna go to a Zen monastery and hang out". I mean, you never hear that.

18.Jesse:I kind of see this all love as this, escape for two people who don't know how to be alone. People always talk about how love is this totally unselfish, giving thing, but if you think about it, there's nothing more selfish.

19.Celine:I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

20.Jesse:I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves.

21. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it's made me feel like I'm somebody else.

22.Celine:When you talked earlier about after a few years how a couple would begin to hate each other by anticipating their reactions or getting tired of their mannerisms-I think it would be the opposite for me. I think I can really fall in love when I know everything about someone-the way he's going to part his hair, which shirt he's going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he'd tell in a given situation. I'm sure that's when I know I'm really in love.

2011-10-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

As much as it hurts to let him go, I just don't want to go back to my bitter self. For the very short time that he was around something lit up my heart, I felt one with the world and light for a short while ......
Whatever happens from here does not matter anymore...
I want to be light and part of the world.....
Remember kid Napa will never Let you down :)

2011-10-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

" But how much of love, when you thought about it, was not of the other but yourself naked in his eyes: of that rush, that little flight, of shedding your clothes, and being you at last."
John Updike
The witches of Eastwick

Right when you think you have figured everything out and everything is where it is supposed to be, he shows up out of nowhere, walks up your stairs, invite himself in. And when he leaves, you realize how empty your life has been all along

2011-09-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

ذات مرا با تنهایی سرشته اند. نوزده ساله بودم که نوشتم. سی وسه ساله هستم و تنهاییم را دوست دارم. تنها داراییم در دنیا هست

2011-09-20T19:26:00.000-07:00

She told him she will not be able to tag along with him, that they had to part ways before anything starts.
She told him that it was him, and his never ending drive for moving ahead in life. His ambitions, and the fact that nothing will be ever be enough for him.
"One day even I will not be enough for you." She said " So you are afraid of me leaving you one day?" He asked.

_ I wish it was that

-So what is it?
_ You will stay, out of a sense of duty, honor, principles; whatever it is. But your heart will be somewhere else. It will be even worse than losing you.
And so she walked away....
She failed to tell him the truth, that she was holding the mirror to herself. That she was afraid of the day that he will not be enough for her, and her heart will be somewhere else but she ends up staying out of a sense of duty.
She never let him in maybe because she was just like him....

2011-08-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

I still can not write....

2011-07-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

After all these years it still hurts, not so bad, but it does anyways....
I have never been a good loser.....
The thing is this is not a game, there is nothing to win. But I can't stop feeling angry at myself for losing out on NOTHING...

2011-05-22T23:03:00.001-07:00

-l've something to tell you

-Tell me

-ln a novel you loaned me ,l found a passage you'd marked "A woman on a ship,gives herself mentally to an unknown passenger. lt struck me as a confession of how you explore the world.l have flashes of curiosity too , Maybe everyone does.l control mine for you, but l'm not sure you control yours for me.
l agree with you for love a couple isn't the ideal Just look around us! You tried to make it better by refusing hypocrisy and resignation .You wanted to invent love. But pioneers must be humble and not egocentric
No, we must look at things frankly We've failed.We've missed everything.You tried to adapt me to you, l've caused distress around me by trying to give you joy.

Jules and Jim

2011-05-16T15:56:00.001-07:00

There is no way out, absolutely no way..

2010-12-11T22:03:00.001-08:00

life goes on...

2010-12-11T20:51:00.001-08:00

I like to write a book called " Conversations from the future.."

2010-12-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

Do not believe what writers write, do not believe what poets write. We long for love and passion. But when it comes to us, we take it play with it for a while and then grow bored and throw it away. And then go back to writing about how painful it is to be in love and all..

2010-12-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

There must something about Long Island that gives me the courage to be myself and go after what I want....
There is a place in Long Island called......
It does not matter, but it seems like it will not let go of me until I get it right.

2010-12-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

This time around I want to take him exactly for who he is , no questions asked no judgements passed! Let the other think whatever they want to think

2010-12-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

Once Santa Cruz gets under your skin it will never let go of you. I am back and I think this time for good. They called yesterday , I am in partially for now. Time to let go of valley of oppurtunity deep down I belong here with the simple people who still know how to stroll by the beach without taking pictures with their smart phones. This is it

2010-12-02T22:17:00.001-08:00

I finally sent him a massage and told him what I needed to tell him. I do not know if he is ever going to read it, or even reply back. There is a good chance that I will never ever hear from him. But honestly, I just feel relieved. I need to tell him that I wanted him and then move on. I just had to set myself free. He was gone a long time ago.

2010-10-21T10:09:00.001-07:00

I have become a stranger to myself, I can not even recognize myself in my own pictures.
I have not been myself for a long time now...
Once again I feel like a stranger in a strange world.
Time to move on ....
I am no longer the glue that holds everything and everyone together..

2010-08-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

I had a dream in which I went on a road trip with him. I knew it was wrong and meaningless, but I sat in the car next to him driving and it felt like that someone was filming us. He did not pay any attention to me and like always I felt unhappy around him. And yet I got in his car.
I guess all these years I have been carrying him around with me without even wanting to or feeling good about it. In fact in real life he disgusts me.
But yet I carry the hurt and pain from what he did to me..
I allowed a man to fool me
After all these years I cant let go of his thought, maybe because I am angry at myself for allowing him into my life..
Time to let go, he had his 15 minutes and it was up long long time ago...

2010-07-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

I never told you but I cried a lot the day that I found out that your father was gone for good.
No let me correct myself, the day that I found out I was in shock
The next day I went to the rooftop and cried my heart out, I guess something told me that you will never be the same person ever again.
It was not hard to tell that you loved and admired him more than anything in the world.Or that something would die inside of you if you lose him.
You could not even make it to the funeral...
If you knew how much I cried that day while shouting out your name.
It was summer remember, school was almost over..
I was eighteen...
I wish I kept what your mother wrote for his obituary.
I lost you to your father's death..
You were never the same man again.
I hate unexpected deaths, they change everything...

The Santa Ana Winds

2010-07-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles weather is the weather of catastrophe, of apocalypse, and, just as the reliably long and bitter winters of New England determine the way life is lived there, so the violence and the unpredictability of the Santa Ana affect the entire quality of life in Los Angeles, accentuate its impermanence, its unreliability. The wind shows us how close to the edge we are.

—Joan Didion, "Los Angeles Notebook"

2010-06-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

- What is it that you want?
- What?
- You know how everyone wants something real bad, but they can't have.
- No, I am ok
- There should be something that you want.
- I have everything that I want.
-How come I don't get that feeling
- Feeling of what?
- You being content ..
-Why do you care?
- I was thinking of giving you something, you know something that makes you really happy. Anything.
-I am afraid you can't
-Try me
-I want YOU...
- Yeah? you are holding me aren't you?
-No I want you all to myself. You know I want you to stay here and don't leave for the real world when Monday comes. I want you not to worry about the people who depend on you for a living. I want you not being committed to a cause and fighting for it.
Sometimes I look at you while you are working and you look so in tune with your environment. People admire you, they love you and you don't even have to try. Sometimes I wish I could have you all to myself, I don't know but at times I feel like I am sharing you with the world.
I want to pack a backpack and take you away with me to the end of the world. I want a man without a care in the world. And I just can't have that, you know what you want out of your life, you are happy where you are.
-What if I give in to you?
- Then you won't be you. You will be a ghost of a has been, you will be miserable. And I will not be able to stand you even for a minute.
- You don't really want anything do you?
- I told you...

2010-06-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

- Can I say Something?
-Sure...
-But will you please don't take it personally?
- Huh?
- I Love you, A Lot...

Love is a never ending cycle....

2010-06-21T00:12:00.001-07:00

He came back after sixteen years..
The sixteen years were condensed into four years though...
He was a better looking guy this time around,
grounded, and yet all broken
Someone once said : :The sufferings are what shape our characters."
He was a man of a character this time around, full of sufferings.
He wanted to say something to me I suppose
But I did not give him a chance, this time around he is not going to have it so easy with me.

It was not him, but yet he was the same person, he had the same story.
Long ago he left me in the dark only to come back
I left with a goodbye this time and he smiled.
He did not get impatient or angry
He smiled back and watched me leaving patiently
He is now a grown man, he can handle rejection
I think deep down he was hoping that one day I go back to him....
Sooner than later
How do u translate that : Love is in the return or is it in the rebound, or love is a never ending cycle?

P.S: He even had the same Alma Mater....

2010-06-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

Goliath, CA
I never told you, but I would have left everything and followed you around for the rest of my life had you asked me to...
You had a sharp tounge and sweet talking was not your strongest suit.
I lie I was too selfish to throw my life away for anyone.
I always comforted myself by assuming that you pushed me away so I go and find myself, we were really young remember?
Now that I look back I think I would have left anyways, in fact I do not even think that you really pushed me away....
I wish you could have lived here by the beach. I know you really loved it down here.
I do not really miss you...
But it was always good to have you around, you were wonderful...

2010-06-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

I do not want you to become just a pleasant memory...
Not yet at least...
I want you, the real you...
Come....

The Rewrite...

2010-05-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

(Original Draft was written on 05/09/2005, I suppose life is the rewrite of original drafts over and over and over.)

We roll around the sheets giggling , he then lays his head on my belly and stares at the ceiling....
I ran my hand through his hair, it is curly, that of the chosen people.
He starts singing, the song sounds foreign to my ears yet it has a familiar melody.
I run my hand through his hair listening to him...
" If it was a hundred years ago, I wouldn't be laying here listening to you" I tell him
"What else would you be doing then instead?" He asks
- Avoiding you by all means, out of obligation to my people.
He laughs: " Had it been a hundred years ago, you would be yearning for me every night. Me and you were born to fall for each other, there is no escaping this then or now." and he continues singing.

I go back through time, that noon in my grandparents' kitchen. When grandpa was singing for grandma in his people's language, the people whom he was estranged from before birth. The tribe which my grandma did not want anything to do with.
And yet grandpa was singing a love song for her in that language. I never forget that moment; grandma was looking at grandpa with flattery, love and yet reservations. She laughed:" Stop it silly," and grandpa went on. My grandparents were invincible..

I ran my hand through his curls, my little boy.Aren't they all little boys anyways ?
I kiss him,they all used to taste the same until this one came along. The first time he kissed me, on my neck, he melted me away. I remember begging time to freeze right there and then, I remember not wanting to move and god forbid missing a beat.

He is still singing,I ask him what does the song say?
"It's about a boy who is in love with a girl. The girl he shouldn't be in love with, a forbidden kind of love." He responds.
-Then what happens?
-He wants her to run away with him you know to elope.
-Does she go with him?
-She hasn't answered him yet
- Will she ever answer?
-A thousand years has passed and nobody knows what has become of them.

I look at us, hundred years ago this was forbidden and we were doomed. He is man of no lands, he is from the untouchables. And I come from the blue blood. The people who could own the land and the men who worked on them.

These days though nobody cares. Blood, tribe, and land is no longer in fashion. It's the modern times. Currencies have changed. Now it is all about money,degree and looks and we both have it almost the same.
He sings for me the song of his childhood...
" You still remember the language?" I ask him
-Did you ever forget yours?
-It's different for me. It's my language, it's me I can never let go of it.
-Neither do I..
The first time I met him, everybody saw a happy go lucky successful extrovert. I saw a nostalgic little boy who didn't belong to his own city, a boy with an unfinished childhood. Someone just like me. I lie the first time he came to me in a dream, and simply walked by me.

I have yet to find out what he saw in me, to make him relentlessly pursue me? His mother? The restless soul who dragged him all over the world. The difficult, non-compromising and unsettling woman who raised him?
I am still scared of that.I have yet to tell him :" I am neither difficult, nor brave. I even compromise, I am not your mother."
But I love him, and I don't know more. I don't want to think farther...
" I can stay here for the rest of my life, listening to you.." I tell him
He smiles at me and sings, I guess the boy is still begging the girl to elope.
Will she? Nobody will ever know.
What if they elope, and then they find each other dull? What if she is not brave enough and give into an arranged marriage? What if?

I do not dare to think farther. I do not dare to think of future minus him.
And I do not dare of the thought of settling down.With him there is no settling down, he is a free ride in roller coaster.
I do not dare of thinking him being something different that I want him to be.
I don't know..

I look at him, I want to live the rest of my life laying in bed, listening to him running my hand through his curls.

He first came to me in a dream and then I drew him in my writings and now he is here.
I did write him and he became real. Every inch of him; him being from the chosen people, him being from the biggest city on earth, him having a difficult mother.
What am I to do? I write them and they become real.
She is going to elope with him, and they are going to be happy. How? I do not know, but I do know that no girl is going to ignore what has come to her in her dreams.

2010-05-25T12:16:00.001-07:00

Nothing is held on to...
Nothing is pushed away...
Come if you may...

2010-05-25T00:27:00.000-07:00

I want this one...
I want him bad..

Come Pierce my Shell

2010-05-19T22:50:00.001-07:00

Nathan at one of the outlying tables
his feet tangled up in the disc jockey's cables

surveyed the room as unseen as a ghost
while he mulled over what he might say for his toast

that the couple have asked him for this benediction
seemed at odds with them parking him here by the kitchen

that he joined them at all was all still a surprise
and not just to him, it was there in the eyes

of the guests who had seen a mirage and drew near
and then covered their shock with a Nathan, you're here

and then silence, they had nothing to say beyond that
a few of the braver souls lingered to chat

they all knew, it was neither a secret nor a mystery
that he and the couple had quite an odd history

their bonds were a tangle of friendship and sex
josh, his best pal once, and patty, his ex

for a while he could barely go out in the city
without being a punch line or object of pity

'poor Nathan' had virtually become his new name
and so he showed up just to show he was game

though his invite was late, a forgotten addendum
for Nate there could be no more clear referendum

that he'd need but endure through this evening
and then he would likely not see josh and patty again

josh's sister was speaking, a princess in peach
Nathan dug in his pocket to study his speech

he'd pored over bartlett’s for couplets to filch
he'd stayed up till three still came up with zilch

except for instructions he'd underscored twice
just two words in length and those words were 'be nice'

too often he thought our emotions betray us

and reason departs once we're up on the dais

he'd witnessed uncomfortable moments were others had lost their way quickly
where sisters and brothers had gotten too prickly

and peppered their babbling with stories of benders or lesbian dabbling

or spot-on impressions of mothers-in-law
which true, Nathan thought, always goner guffaws

but price seemed too high with the laugh seldom cloaking

hostility masquerading as joking

no, he'd swallow his rage and he'd bank all his fire

he knew that in his case the bar was set higher

folks were just waiting for him to erupt
they'd be hungry for blood even though they had supped

they'd want tears or some other unsightly reaction
and Nathan would not give them that satisfaction

though patty a harlot, and josh was a lout
at least Nathan knew what he'd not talk about

i won't wish them divorce that they wither and sicken
or tonight that they'd choke on their salmon or chicken

i won't mention that time when the cottage lost power
in that storm on the cape and they left for an hour

and they thought it was the cleverest ruse
to pretend it took that long to switch out the fuse

or that time josh advised me with so much insistence
that i should grant patty a little more distance

that the worst i could do was to hamper and crowd her
that if patty felt stifled she'd just take a powder

that a plant needs its space just as much as its water
and i shouldn't give patty that ring that i'd bought her

which in retrospect only elicits a "gosh,
i hardly deserve a friend like you, josh"

no i won't spill those beans or make myself foolish

to satisfy appetites, venal and ghoulish

i will not be the blot on this hellish affair
and with that Nathan pushed out and rose from his chair

and just by the tapping of knife against crystal
all eyes turned his way like he'd fired off a pistol

"hmm, Joshua, Patricia, dear family and friends
a few words if you will before everything ends

you've promised to honor, to love and obey
we've quaffed our champagne and been cleansed by sorbet

all in endorsement of your hers- and his-dom
so now let me add my two cents worth of wisdom

i was racking my brain sitting here at this table
until i remembered this suitable fable

that gets it at truth though it may well distort us
so here with the tale of the scorpion and tortoise

the scorpion was hamstrung, his tail all aquiver
just how would he manage to get across the river

oh the water is so deep he observed with a sigh
which bricked at the ears of the tortoise nearby

well why don't you swim, asked the slow moving fellow
unless you're afraid, i mean, what are you? yellow?

it isn't a matter of fear or a whim said the scorpion
but that i don't know how to swim

oh forgive me i didn't mean to be glib when i said that
i figured you were an amphibian

no offence taken the scorpion replied
but how about you help me to reach the far side

you swim like a dream and you have what i lack
let's say you take me across on your back

i'm really not sure that's the best thing to do
said the tortoise now that i see that it's you

you have a less than ideal reputation preceding
there's talk of your victims all poisoned and bleeding

you're the scorpion and how can i say this but well,
i just don't feel safe with you riding my shell

the scorpion replied what would killing you prove
we'd both drown so tell me how would that behoove

me to basically die at my very own hand
when all i desire is to be on dry land

the tortoise considered the scorpion's defense
when it gave it some thought it made perfect sense

the niggling voice in his mind he ignored
and he swam to the bank and called out climb aboard

but just a few moments from when they set sail
the scorpion lashed out with his venomous tail

the tortoise too late understood that he'd blundered
when he felt his flesh stabbed and his carapace sundered

as he fought for his life he said tell me why
you have done this for now we will surely both die

i don't know cried the scorpion you never should trust
a creature like me because poison i must

i'd claim some remorse or least some compunction
but i just can't help it my form is my function

you thought i'd behave like my cousin the crab
but unlike him it is but my nature to stab

the tortoise expired with one final quiver
and then both of them sank, swallowed up by the river

the tortoise was wrong to ignore all his doubts

because in the end "friends, our natures will out"

Nathan paused, cleared his throat ,took a sip of his drink
he needed these extra few seconds to think

the room had gone frosty, the tension was growing
folks wondered precisely where Nathan was going

the prospect of skirting fiasco seemed dim

but what he said next surprised even him

So, what can we learn from their watery ends?
is there some lesson on how to be friends?

i think what it means is that, central to living
a life that is good is a life that's forgiving

we're creatures of contact, regardless of whether
we kiss or we wound, still, we must come together

though it may spell destruction, we still ask for more
since it beats staying dry but so lonely on shore;

so we make ourselves open, while knowing full well
it's essentially saying, 'please, come pierce my shell.'

silence doesn't paint the depth of quiet in that room
there was no clinking stemware toasting to the bride and groom

you could have heard a petal as it landed on the floor
and in that stillness Nathan turned and then walked right out the door

من به دیدار کسی رفتم در آن سر عشق

2010-05-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

طفل پاورچین پاورچین دور شد کم کم در کوچه سنجاقک ها
بار خود را بستم رفتم از شهر خیالات سبک بیرون
دلم از غربت سنجاقک پر

من به مهمانی دنیا رفتم
من به دشت اندوه
من به باغ عرفان
من به ایوان چراغانی دانش رفتم
رفتم از پله مذهب بالا
تا ته کوچه شک
تا هوای خنک استغنا
تا شب خیس محبت رفتم
من به دیدار کسی رفتم در آن سر عشق
رفتم ‚ رفتم تا زن
تا چراغ لذت
تا سکوت خواهش
تا صدای پر تنهایی

چیزها دیدم در روی زمین
کودکی دیدم ماه را بو می کرد
قفسی بی در دیدم که در آن روشنی پرپر می زد
نردبانی که از آن عشق می رفت به بام ملکوت
من زنی را دیدم نور در هاون می کوبید
ظهر در سفره آنان نان بود سبزی بود دوری شبنم بود کاسه داغ محبت بود
من گدایی دیدم در به در می رفت آواز چکاوک می خواست

2010-04-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

He was there...
The man
Standing at the door....
He was there staring at me...

He talks, I listen.....

My heart races.....

The man came to my life in my dreams, a while back...

Then I saw him there with a broken neck, a broken heart and no wrinkles on his face....

He was kind of old, a bit tired, and dead serious....

I have entered that season of my life

When I notice the man......

With a scar on his neck, and the baggage that follows his around...

One of these days I will become a woman too.....

The man makes my heart race....
Big time...

2010-03-17T21:32:00.001-07:00

Today I learned that you can still love yourself even when you fail....

People around me never failed. People around me never stopped until they reached the top of the world. Losers did not belong to our world.
How could one love a person who fails?

I should have done better, I could have done better, but the reality is that I did not. Maybe that was all I was capable of...

Last night we had sushi in Berkeley and then walked the city, some of us smoked and some of us had gelato. "N" picked up on "K," for something as she always does and he did not care.
We made fun of "A," for his third attempt on walking down the isle.
None of them had ever seen me so nervous and agitated. It is amazing how so few people close to me know about my nervous nature. The anxiety entertained them for awhile though while I was clumsily trying to go online using "N's" iphone!!!
This morning I finally found out that I have finally failed and will not be able to reach the top of the world.
Wherever that top is...

I talked to the people that I love after I heard the news,we talked about the same things that we usually talk about.
I am going to have dinner with the same group of people Sunday night, "T's" surprise 30th B.day Party.
I have to get my eyebrows done for the new year....
I have a paper due on Sunday night...
and at the age of 31 I am capable of loving myself even when I fail to climb to the top of the world . I did not think it is even ethical....

2010-03-09T20:38:00.000-08:00

I wish I could have me all to myself...................................

2010-03-09T20:37:00.000-08:00

there is nothing in this town that can calm me down...
absolutely nothing
welcome back to the ghost ISLAND..

2009-05-11T18:13:00.000-07:00

Me and my dark Urges...
I am telling about them to people, for the first time in my life. I thought they have left long ago, turns out they were only hiding deep down very skillfully
Last week all I wanted was to break something, anything....
I had this urge since I was four years old...
I have been destroying myself all these years, thinking my dark ages have left me long ago. Not knowing they were at work full time....
I still have the urge to break things when I am uncomfortable, and it never fails to satisfy me. My sister does not get it, she has never traveled to the dark side.
There is not much control in this world, the more you try to control something to more it will become in charge of you....

2009-03-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

You know what hospitals do? They knock the wind outta you...
That is what they are good at...
I can not recognize my own eyes anymore, and yet i am constantly smiling.....
I am not a happy drunk anymore though, I used to be..
I am a disturbed and nervous drunk.. full of complaints...
This is my life, I know I have chosen the right path...
But Yeah the hospitals have knocked the wind outta me for good...

2009-03-15T12:40:00.000-07:00

I don't really miss you...
there was nothing about you to be missed....
And that is what I miss, the peace that you gave me when I was around you...
There was absolutely nothing about you..
no judgment, no extreme emotions, no expectations...
you would drift into your own world and I would into mine...
Occasionally we would talk about random non-personal things...
I never knew much about you, and you did not know much about me neither...
And it really did not matter
What is there to know, that we already could not see?
I want peace of mind and I know I have to go and find it on my own, not that you will deny it from me, but i need to find it within me...
thanks for showing me how easy it is to have peace in your life...

2009-02-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

They say the world is round, no they dont say it.. it is a scientific fact...
and it was proven to me the other night
I ran into "A.." of all the places in San Francisco after some eight years..
He was standing there, looking exactly the same .... just like the first time that I saw him twelve years ago...he was even dressed pretty much the same..
it was annoying to see how he has not changed much...
He did not age
He did not change

Even his eyes, still looked familiar. Desperate and sad....
and yeah he was pretty lonely, like anybody taught that jerk of a human being will end up happily ever after....

I had nothing against him until one day when he stole my dream, I had this dream of "K," coming to our town and when he turned back it was "A.."

I once wrote a poem for him, I don't even know why...
It said something him wanting to be himself but being hold back by the people around him...
I guess he tried a bit..
I don't know , I never really cared much
I knew I will run into him again...

We both passed each other by, without any gesture of recognition... maybe he does not even remember me, or maybe he does...

He belongs to my unhappy days, the days of living hell....
I have no intentions of revisiting those days..
I am content with what I have right now...
I built it by my own hands...
Its mine , good or bad...
He can stand there as much as he wants...
the freaking past that refuses to age or change...

2009-02-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have lost it all....
Tomorrow I will have it back though...
We are programmed to forget and go on with life....

Ultimo tango a Parigi

2009-01-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

Jeanne: Why do you hate women?
Paul: Either they always pretend to know who I am, or they pretend I don't know who they are, and that's very boring.

I had a dream last night, you were in it, you told my mom that you asked me to bring you over to our home and introduce you to my family, and my loss I never brought you home...
When you left, my mom told me :" thanks for not bringing him over..."
It was not a coincidence having a dream of you after all these years... huh, btw your son looks lovely, he does. He is the only right thing that you have ever done....
But you.. yeah...
you know when Marlon Brando was talking in the movie, it was you talking. All the emotional turmoil of his childhood, the numbness that followed it, and the violent men that he became without anyone even noticing and I was only a child, as the girl in the movie said :" Growing up is a crime." I never wanted to grow up....

Rogert Ebert said it the best :

"A lot has been said about the sex in the film; in fact, "Last Tango in Paris" has become notorious because of its sex. There is a lot of sex in this film -- more, probably, than in any other legitimate feature film ever made -- but the sex isn't the point, it's only the medium of exchange. Paul has somehow been so brutalized by life that there are only a few ways he can still feel.

Sex is one of them, but only if it is debased and depraved -- because he is so filled with guilt and self-hate that he chooses these most intimate of activities to hurt himself beyond all possibilities of mere thoughts and words. It is said in some quarters that the sex in the movie is debasing to the girl, but I don't think it is. She's almost a bystander, a witness at the scene of the accident. She hasn't suffered enough, experienced enough, to more than dimly guess at what Paul is doing to himself with her. But Paul knows, and so does Bertolucci; only an idiot would criticize this movie because the girl is so often naked but Paul never is. That's their relationship."

"The whole point of both films is that there is a land in the human soul that's beyond the rational -- beyond, even, words to describe it.

Faced with a passage across that land, men make various kinds of accommodations. Some ignore it; some try to avoid it through temporary distractions; some are lucky enough to have the inner resources for a successful journey. But of those who do not, some turn to the most highly charged resources of the body; lacking the mental strength to face crisis and death, they turn on the sexual mechanism, which can at least be depended upon to function, usually.

That's what the sex is about in this film (and in "Cries and Whispers"). It's not sex at all (and it's a million miles from intercourse). It's just a physical function of the soul's desperation. Paul in "Last Tango in Paris" has no difficulty in achieving an erection, but the gravest difficulty in achieving a life-affirming reason for one."

I left you, because you were not able to feel.....
I on the other always chose to feel, even if it was too painful, I never gave up on myself....
Remember this, I left you because you were afraid of your own emotions.....

See no use perfecting lives with strangers

2009-01-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

I bet you're wondering how I knew
That this would come to an end
He stole your heart from you
So you tossed me out to the wind

I keep pretending not to care
Oh the winter scent in her hair
Compels my hands to do
The things my heart wouldn't dare

I'll keep holding on to you
See no use perfecting lives with strangers
If only you, if only now

And in the twilight of this hour
When fools are mistaken for men
This shadow suits me well
My regrets are faced in the end

I'll keep holding on to you
See no use perfecting lives with strangers
If only you, if only now (x2)

2009-01-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

I said he was out to get me and as always he did not give up until he got what he wanted...
This man was as nerdy as they come...
No social skills..
Not much of self-esteem when he was out of his comfort zone ,his job,....
But sharp witted he was...
When push came to shove, when everybody turned their back on me, when that bitch of a resident was going around in circles jeopardizing my future and career. He stood up for me and fought for me tooth and nails. He stayed at work late, he pushed me, he reviewed everything, he fished for complements for me from the other residents. He got them, he saved my face big time...
And all the while I did not even know what was going on, I just thought he was a perfectionist who wanted to save his own face by having his student present the best work that she can....
He never told me....
When I found out i was speechless, no one , no fucking one has ever fought for me so hard besides my mother...
He got me like no man has ever gotten me, no man had ever had me and he will have me forever....
Its not about kissing and touching and holding hands...
That boy is a virgin emotionally and physically, I am not bothering to romance him...
I am not gonna be the first one, that I can not handle... He needs to grow up on his own..
But that fighting for me without expecting anything in return, fighting for someone just because this is who you are and you fight for people because you know they deserve better, that no one has ever done for me...
All the man before him have showered me with presents, expensive dinners, even a ring and marriage proposals. And God forbid when I didnt give them what they wanted, such as attention ,admiration, and love oh yeah that, they would all turn back and reminded me of ALL THAT THEY had done for me.. as if before them i was starving or ever needed anything. As if did not grew up upper middle class in the best houses that money could buy....
Oh yeah all them men who came and tried to buy their ways into my heart...
and all these years I was looking for someone who I could "put up a fight for.."
There he came the nerdiest of all, who hasn't read a book besides his textbooks in all his life, the overachiever who wants to be number one , the mama's boy. The short guy with a baby face...
He was supposed to be a joke, I had the best looking of all still trying to stalk me in "Facebook" for god's sake, you know the same guy who when I turned down his humiliating offer for having a lunch with " He just asked me if i am going to get lunch from cafeteria and stared at me wanting me to suggest he can join me, and I just played dumb and nodded and left the locker room that he followed me into .." turned back and started a smear campaign against me and even refused to say hello to me....
So yeah...
The last day in his clinic we shook hands and he let me go, with a lot of confidence in myself...
I do not know what it is that is between us, and I don't care to sit and decipher it
But all i know is that for once in my life a man gave me what I wanted and I didn't even have to ask him for it...
And it feels so damn right and so damn good...
thank you life for bringing such angels my way once in a while...

2009-01-03T14:56:00.000-08:00

Lets not fight....
Lets retreat to our own corners and just watch.....
Lets LET IT BE.....

Quiet, Quiet....
Hold no grudges....
Let it pass...
Let it be.....

I am off to find myself one more time...

I have lost it again, somewhere along the way......
I am not scared anymore......
I am content with what i have....

I am not going to fight anymore....
with myself

I am going to retreat to my own corner and let it be.....

2008-12-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

Thirties is all about Staying and dealing with shit...
Cause the world is freaking round and no matter where you go, you will end up at the same spot all over again. Might as well take care of the business when you are served.....
Life is not even life is odd
And you got no where else to go
And you got no one else to run away to ....
and its all here in your own freaking room in your own freaking house...
Stay and deal with it...
It will be alright....
No one is normal, everyone is crazy in their own right....

2008-12-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

The truth is ....
.... I am not happy anymore....
I still love my job....
I am still glad I left so young....
The truth is last night i woke up in the middle of the night and felt this hole in my heart...
for a second I thought I am 20 years younger and things are still the same, as i was 10 years old..
the truth is..
i can't fall in love anymore... people come and go... but i can't afford to get hurt anymore...
The truth is..
I have grown into a less confused version of me...
but yeah I am not happy....

2008-12-13T14:18:00.001-08:00

Defenses of the heart....
I Have been carrying them around for a long time..
I do not know if I can let go of them that easily...
who am I without them??
I do not know if i can be a nobody!!!

2008-11-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

One Dirty Touch

First day of the rotation...
Newness all around.
Dismayed at the low mental status I see,
No apparent normality to be found.

A gentleman stands before me,
Innocent, unkempt, so unclean.
His eyes show hesitation,
"Oh, how will she react to me?"

With disguised hesitancy I reached out,
Smiling and taking his arm in mine.
With now trusting eyes and a smile he looked on
As I proceeded to take my time.

Looking back, I know it was a dirty touch,
How could anything else it be?
Oh, forget the dirtiness!
This gentleman's no longer afraid of me.

Now, if clean toucheth unclean,
Is not the once clean unclean?
The supposed truth leaves my touch dirty,
On that thought, I'm not too keen.

Then how to explain this feeling,
This one so deep, so light,
How come, with that one dirty touch,
I feel so clean inside?

By A.B

2008-11-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

mitarsam...
mitarsam..
dari miai..
sedaye pat ro mishnasam..
vali yekchizi tahe delam hast
yek khoshhalie gondeh..
male khode khodameh...
sedaye paat dareh yavash yavash miad..
ghorbooneh oon cheshmaye poor az khandat beram.. ke faghat man mibinamesh....
yek razeh hich vaghat behet nemigam :dooset daram havar ta. Be andazeye tamoomeh omreh donya...
yek raz hast hich vaght behem nagoo: bedooneh man zendegit kamel nemisheh...
bia ba ham bekhandim,.. oon ghadr boland ke sedaye ghah ghahemoon ro adam faziaham beshnavand..
migand man ghashangtarin khandeye donya ro daram...
bia berim goosheye khiaboon ... to man ro khandeh bendaz man ghah ghah mikhandam, too kolah begir , pool jam kon.. injoori oomratemoon migzareh...
badash ham ba khodast..
dari miai..
sedaye pat ro mishnasam...
vali khandam.. maleh khodeh khodam hast, khodam peydash kardam...
ghorbooneh oon setareheya too cheshat beram...

2008-11-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Back at the starting line.....
I sit next to him in the clinic, patients come in... he talks, measures, looks at the labs, changes the meds and sends them away....
In person he is serious, wants to take control and I cant say he has a great sense of humor. He is not dumb but he doesn't react fast, he is too focused...
He is always focused on something , trying hard to achieve something.....
Grades, degrees, job, publishing papers, he once wanted me and slowly he is getting there... I am working with him two days a week eight hours a day in his office, I am going to have lunch with him. He just said that he is taking me to lunch on Friday, just like that... He made it sound so simple and easy as if it was, he is just a mentor who is nice and caring and yeah he is going to be nice enough to take me out to lunch like he does take all his students to lunch....
He is after me cause anybody else in his shoes would not bother going after me I am too tall, too pretty, too sophisticated too much of a different race for him...
He is too short, too happy, too much of an overachiever, too much of a narcissist for my taste.... I even sometimes wonder if he has a small penis?
I know the drill, I have to play it easy to get so he loses his interest in me and leave. He is an overachiever, he likes to work hard for his things!!!!!
And I can't, I still ignore him, I still want to play the friends card, I don't even pull one of my random rounds of flirting on him. Sometimes I completely ignore the fact the he is in the room, I never initiate a conversation,..
He is growing on me, literally, He is an inch taller than me I told myself the other day...
I let him take charge and I never allow anybody to take charge, I just cant I have the older child's syndrome.. He never loses his patience, he is not to quick too react maybe....
My mom says that when my dad came after her, he didn't leave until she gave into him... My dad once told me he always wanted to marry a tall girl so his kids don't end up being as short as he was.....
The other day I looked at myself in the reflections of a revolving door, I am the spitting image of my mother....

2008-10-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

The Buddhist Monk said that fortune tellers can only tell the fortunes of Ordinary People....
If you are willing to change yourself for better, the Destiny will not Exist for You.....
Last night I had this dream... somebody was talking to us and I was standing next to you, your head was tilted towards my head so it was touching my head all the time....
I hold your hand towards the end of my dream and then we kissed each other on the lips...
I felt so good when I woke up this morning, the dream felt so right and so real....
I finally Had the dream I was asking for....
When I have a man in my dream, i will have him in the real life or would I?
Do I want you?
Aren't you the same guy that I have been with over and over all these years?
tortured, broken, confused, unhappy, successful in career , educated, and hard working? Aggression and suppressed anger? A man with an unfinished childhood? the lost boy?
The guy who would budge into everything to keep the girl but then all of a sudden realizes that he has lost all the power in the relationship and rebels ?
Been there done that, this time around it doesn't even give me the thrills.....
I wanted what I wanted, I wanted to feel, I still want to feel...
You gave me the feeling but stopped there, you were scared, you backed off... Yeah I know I am more experienced, I am the one with the balls, I am the fighter,you needed someone like me...
I should've stayed and given you a chance? Or should I ?
You are on your own buddy this time around, you need to figure things out for yourself....
You need to find yourself, and I am not sure I will be around when you get there but then why would you be needing me then? You will have yourself and that is all that you need...
Boy that kiss felt so real, I do not remember kissing a man with so much pleasure the way I did in my dream last night it felt so real, you did not taste like others. And your head tilted on my head. Yeah it would have been something had you been a different guy and me a.......
Happy Birthday, and good luck with everything...

2008-10-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

tough days are these days....
the country is going down...
I really do not have a job, well I do on paper, but they can't afford to give me hours and hence money...
my brother just lost his job
my sister's marriage is at crossroads, yeah they still love each other and all that is not the issue...
It is what they want out of life, different things.... My guess is that they will stay together, I do not see my sister having the nerve to leave the mess she has gotten herself into long ago... It is not him, he never promised her something he was not able to deliver. He has been the same guy all along, she used him as a scapegoat to run away from herself, she married NOT to deal with life by herself.. and yeah now he wants to go back and she has to choose...
My parents barely talk to each other, they share a bed and a house that is all...
My dad has a compromised heart, and all those medications, yeah those meds they have sucked the life and happiness out of him. I do not know him anymore, I don't know if anybody does...
oh and the younger sister, i donno if she can finance the rest of her education.....
Fucking life, ups and down..
All I know is that now I am 30 years old and I have to act my age, act like an adult
It will get worse and then will get better
we all will survive, I will meet the love of my life, I will graduate and have a great career
My brother will pull through it all..
My younger sister will finish her graduate degree..
My older sister will stay in her marriage and have kids
oh and My friends and their dramatic love lives..
did I mention that?
"N," has fucked up once again, she slept with Him and now he has rejected her and i donno its a mess there.. I told her about me and "A," and now she feels betrayed, not that she had anything going on with "A," just the fact that she was kept dark about our relationship for all these years. I told her i had to protect all of us... He was her friend too, I didnt want her to chose.. She is still angry at me..
Last week at "M's" Place I had to tell her Ex Off at 2 am... he was a crazy codependent.. I bet she will hate me for that for the rest of her life, even though she knew he was a jerk...
We still have that law suit pending against Us, our dog bite a family friend they are suing our insurance.. It is a mess here..
I still have my legions of psychopathic Lovers, the last one ended up sick to the bone, I just have learned how to detect them and get rid of them before anything even starts..
It is a mess here, cause it will always be this way
nobody has it easier
It is life..
always messy, always complicated,
I just can't afford to give in fucking depression anymore...
the Ups and downs are always with us
the unhappiness
the shit
and yeah there are good moments too, in between....
I am an ocean most of me is deep and quiet, but I have those waves that reaches the shore.. The ups and downs, I have my moods, somedays I am nice and quiet, somedays I can be dangerous...
But Nevertheless I am an Ocean....

My Visions diary IV

2008-09-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

So Yeah "N," Called me late Sunday Night to tell me she had the most random encounter ever...
She ran into this guy who knew her and stuff and all and bunch of stories
and then she mentions meeting "R," wife of "H" your best friend, your old roommate the guy who still follows you religiously every where.... She Met "H," too.... she did not even knew them
I told her the story ...
She asked me if she wanted me to mention you and me.... I laughed....
She is going to go to art museum and such with her from now on...
You are an integral part of their Life
"N," has been a part of my life forever....She joked, that maybe you move to Austin and down the line I end up moving to Austin too... I said that is impossible...
You don't leave do you? Or maybe I do not let go of you.. I don't know..
Maybe it is all just Bull ...
i donno...
I have left that hospital and I still see you in front of it, waiting for me...
And I keep repeating my favorite quote from Borkeback Mountain : "I wish I knew how to quit you!!"

2008-09-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

Now that I have left...
Now that he is gone from my life for good...
I thought I would not feel anything
I am sitting in my room and all of a sudden I felt this thing in my heart..
Something,
Someone is pushing a lump up my throat..
Comes Monday, there will not be any of him coming in the morning staring at me..
Comes Monday, there won't be any of us running into each other in the hallways, me ignoring him once in a while, him trying to look away, me saying hello to him he giving me that fucking eyebrow..
All I wanted was the anticipation, the guess game, the feeling that came back to me after two fucking years!!!!
I did not want him, the broken boy, the passive aggressive man, the jerk, the fucking time bomb waiting to explode... Been there fucking done that...
I just wanted to feel..
Now I am gone but the feeling is still with me...
Comes Monday, nobody would stare at me, I wont anticipate any awkward meeting...
Monday is a day just like every other day...
Normal life, Normal people..
I Miss him, and I never thought I would... I never wanted to have him, but I wish I did not lose him...
A lump is being pushed up my throat...
I have started to miss him....
P.S: His birthday was October 21nd, the same day as Lorenzo, the boy that I met in Vegas and spent a night with in the Mafia van, the Boy who asked me to run away with him to Kathmandu, Nepal . the boy that i left without a goodbye

2008-09-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

This is the ALCHEMY , this very moment of my life... in the La Scala, doing my freaking research on anti-hiccup medicine eating the heavenly tiramisu..

Remind me of this very moment next time that I got lost in my head..
cause this is the moment and there is not much to it...
Much to life ....
I am here, and I can go anywhere from here... if i have to or i want to, but this very moment, i am here and do not need to go anywhere...

My visions diary III

2008-09-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

عشق اول یک خاطره است...
عشق دوم همانا فاجعه است...
عشق همیشه در مراجعه است

My visions diary II

2008-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today's Horoscope!!
Someone from your past is back on the scene, but things are definitely not the same.
Overview
You're going over some old scrapbooks, bills, notes or records and finding more than you had thought. It could be that you need to deal with something once and for all -- or maybe there's a hidden bonus!
Just because someone from your past is suddenly back on the scene doesn't mean that you are going to have the exact same kind of relationship with them that you once had. People change -- for better and for worse, so do yourself a favor and treat this person almost like a stranger. Give them the benefit of the doubt and make no assumptions about what they will do or say next. Keep your mind open, and you will be rewarded with a pleasant surprise.

2008-09-07T17:22:00.000-07:00

i gotta call this
" My visions Series.."

Last night in the concert of all the place I ran into "P," one of your oldest friends... Since Junior high right?
He lives in London now and I ran into him in San Francisco...
He still wears his stupid smile...
I stared at him through the concert I don't even know why...
He was pathetic...
He was never himself..
You have always been yourself...
Life is coming full circle one bit at a time....

2008-09-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

it might sound funny, but these days i see you sitting in front of the hospital waiting for me. I don't know why i have this vision.....
the same as those visions that I had last year of you in San francisco , when all of a sudden you showed up in Bay Area....
I am not waiting for you anymore, i think I havent been waiting for you for a long time now...
But yeah I know you are a part of my life one way or the other.
I just don't undrestand why I have this vision of you in front of this hospital of all the places?

2008-08-30T20:44:00.001-07:00

در میان پرده ی خون عشق را گلزارها ... عاشقان را با جمال عشق بی چون کارها

عقل گوید: "شش جهت حدست و بیرون راه نیست" ... عشق گوید: "راه هست و رفته ام من بارها"

عقل بازاری بدید و تاجری آغاز کرد ... عشق دیده زان سوی بازار او بازارها

ای بسا منصور پنهان زاعتماد جان عشق ... ترک منبرها بگفته برشده بر دارها

عاشقان دُردکش را در درونه ذوق ها ... عاقلان تیره دل را در درون انکارها

عقل گوید: "پا منه کاندر فنا جز خار نیست" ... عشق گوید عقل را: "کاندر تو است آن خارها"

هین خمش کن خار هستی را ز پای دل بکن ... تا ببینی در درون خویشتن گلزارها

شمس تبریزی تویی خورشید اندر ابر حرف ... چون برآمد آفتابت محو شد گفتارها

36

2008-08-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

When tomorrow comes I’ll be 36…darn that’s surreal

For a while back it was like always I felt far from many those who were older (much older) those who were younger(bit younger).

Now it’s just like always ‘been there, done that’ both literally and metaphorically…
either I have seriously ‘been’ there ’done’ that or somewhere in my subconscious wanted to ‘be’ there ..both ways it feels the same after a while…
Tell you something, am less of a mess, less of many other things…have given up on trying to excel at being evasive, pointlessly & self-destructively seeking or yearning for everything that’s hidden and coded…
Am not looking for a witness of my life as I live it , as bottom line we all live our lives being ‘unnoticed’ and not reciprocated in many aspects….
Not looking for a megaphone of ‘hey you all, I simply object’ neither trying to implicate others (even few others) as you know what? we ARE all already implicated

These days I'm into comedy podcasts, leaving missed calls as missed, two-puffs-only cigarettes,half-hearted half-heard conversations, and a relapsing bout of indie-brit-alt-all-the-same music of Last.fm

Just cant have enough of the same

2008-08-22T21:57:00.001-07:00

..... " There is no such a thing as a mistake, there are things that you do and things that you do not do.." The Unfaithful

So yeah he kinda asked me to have lunch with him, I did not even have to try ... I just played dumb and left the room. It just came to me naturally, to let him down...
He is not a decent man and that is all there is to it...
Comes October I will be gone and he will be history....
I am safe with myself....

2008-08-15T15:35:00.001-07:00

I can tell a wild horse from they way it moves and a man in love from the way he looks...
"Ana Karenina..."
I wish you did not pretend you are not looking at me while i pass by you. Your trying hard flatters me...
"N," Calls me one of those people who is in love with falling in Love.....

2008-08-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

I did not see the "BUS TERMINAL," sign and did not make a left on the bridge street. I was walking not driving though, and passed the biggest Buddhist Temple that I have ever came across in my life... of all the places in the Niagara falls...
The old lady told me that I had to go back and make a left on the bridge st.
On the way back I entered the Temple and walked around, the Buddhists were chanting.. I thought of my sister who is on the other side of the world, of all the places in Katmandu Nepal.. searching for Nirvana.. with a shaved head...
I left the Temple, thinking there is no getting lost in the life.. Sometimes you just end up going down a different path that you planned.. But down the line you will get to bus stop if you are meant to get there...
The only place you that you are capable of getting lost in is in your head....
I don't think I will go for him, he is not a decent man and that is all there is to it....

2008-08-10T17:02:00.000-07:00

i see it coming my way... yet another stint at love....
i cant resist him....
he is not gonna let go of me.....
he has figured me out ..... he is playing the game right, hard to get, but desperate at all the right times.... quiet when everybody is around, and chatting me up with his nervous laughs when we are all alone. Storming out of the room when i ignore him.....
i detect the madness in him, and that takes away all the resistance in me....
God knows I have met my match....
I keep telling myself comes October I will be gone, and I know he won't wait around and do nothing until then..... He digs my resistance, and me ignoring him....
He can't resist me, I am all that he was not. All that he tries hard to ignore he did not have...
And he is what I was supposed to become but miserably failed at, our darkness has found each other...
I am grateful that he did not know the other day I sat next to him trembling but looking calm and for the life of me could not remember my user name....
That man is mad and I can not resist him.....
I beg myself to let this one go and i can't
i am helpless beyond words...
I am back at yet again another stint in love.... Pray for me....i want to get home safe...

2008-08-04T19:45:00.001-07:00

He made me realize I can still feel... after two years...

I even played this game.... every morning I would go and check his schedule on the board... to see when and where is he working and if I run into him... then I would run into him and just say hello and he would nodd to me using his eyebrows and we would go about our way...
He never responded to my email.. not that he had to... it was a formality....
He is just weird, too oppressed I might say...
he is either a nut job
a passive-aggressive pervert
or a snub..
And I saw an old picture of him, he used to be chubby ....Far from the athletic guy that he is now, I couldn't help but laugh out loud . It was a group pic on somebody's locker, I didn't even recognize him at first... "OMIGOD he used to be fat..." I felt like running out of locker room and tell others, but really nobody cared..
i don't really care...
Comes October I will not see him ever in my life...
But I can feel now after two fucking years......
and that is all that matters...

2008-07-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

-He has an annoying laughter...
- I thought you said you liked him the first day you met him because he laughed a lot..
- huh...

2008-07-17T13:37:00.000-07:00

Memories have a way of rewriting themselves into a history that never occurred.....

Sober Driver....

2008-07-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

To yet another lonely soul in one of those pathetic nights of non-stop partying in San Francisco..

2008-06-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

He never returned her calls anymore...
He was tired of being her sober driver....
the fill in....
he forgot that he never asked for more...
that in fact he tried to make sure she thinks that she is the fill in...
that he has someone better somewhere else..
He forgot that she was the type who would go after what they want and if they are happy with what they have, then they are happy with it...
One day he woke up and decided not to return her phone calls anymore..
she found it funny, calling him and not getting any response...
she felt like they were playing a game...
then she grew tired and restless of the game and looked for another one...
she never missed him ....
he was lost in the dark....
She never get the chance to tell him that she was going to end the whatever friendship that they had anyways.. she was looking for something more than a sober driver, something he would never become.....
He left before being replaced....
he outsmarted rejection...
she never missed him and his darkness....

The memory game

2008-06-14T17:49:00.001-07:00

1.i had yet another dream... i went to their house, nobody was there. No one was supposed to be there, they were supposed to be gone out to do something.... and yeah He didn't live there anymore, he was long time gone. But that is besides the point, was there ever any point to these dreams anyways?
the house was nice, new, well decorated, very well decorated in fact. So much that it made me feel uncomfortable. It should have been his mom who had decorated the place. the old feelings of alienation came to me... and then I kept asking myself how come they became our neighbors? it was impossible we always lived cities apart.
That was about it.... Just entering the empty house full of decent new furniture and feeling like an outsider.
I don't even know why I keep remembering these dreams? what is the point of them anyways? My great memory that always made my dad proud has become the biggest curse of my life. I can not forget and move on with my life. I just have started to learn to live with my memories. Forgetfulness was the gift that was denied from me by life....
I have bought this palm pilot which helps me keep organized and remember things, i use it just for fun soon i will grow tired of it, it doesn't really have much use for me ....
Oh I had another dream too, we were in a wedding and "R's" sister introduced me to him and we shook hands and he left. He came back a while later and his sister asked me if we have met? we shook hands one more time and this time he hold on to my hands and didn't let go and stayed there I hold on to his hands too and that was about it....
He looked the same, not much different ...
I don't know why I can not forget him, i barely know him anyways.

2. I was doing my make up in the bathroom of our hotel room in Miami when all of a sudden I looked at "P," and felt weird. Life has become nothing but a strange game, after all these years me and "P," reconnect and end up vacationing together... and then I see her new year's party pics and "B" is sitting there. " What the hell is he doing here?" I ask P She replies" Do you know him?"
-yeah kinda friends of a friend
- yeah he is a friend of a friend of mine too....
Me and "P" stroll down the streets of Miami , south beach to be exact, where she tells me she is still not over her EX," it's been two fucking years but it doesn't go away " she complains. I tell her sometimes it takes way longer than that... for me it took fifteen years to get over "k," and i never tell her that it was herself who pulled the last straw. She once called me to tell me something funny about "B," how he had this ugly girlfriend that he had been hiding from everybody. He had to lie in order to mislead people. Well it was a white lie, he never said anything. He pretended nothing exists. she once caught him red handed with her," I cant believe i am saying this but he looks better than her." P said laughing. This was all i needed to know...
" B" was a friend of "K," all in the same league to me, the league of gods. Poor "K," always tried to convince me that he aint no god but a pathetic creature, and i never bought it. Even when i said goodbye. Hearing about "B," and his weaknesses brought the gods down to the earth where I am currently living and made them the same people as I am. I didn't tell "P," the whole story I even pretended that i didn't really care. "B's Girlfriend? ha? who cares, I barely know him." I told her ....
that day strolling down the streets of Miami I never told her how she helped to get over it after 15 years..

2008-06-07T20:24:00.001-07:00

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

2008-05-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes past and all its darkness comes back and look you in face, when you least expect it...
Just to remind you that it is as powerless and gone as it gets...
I am not afraid of it anymore...
I even have a drink with it once in a while.... and reminisce, knowing that comes tomorrow I am once again on my own living the life that i am supposed to live....
Past is Past, now is now and i am living my life...

2008-04-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

Twenty nine years have gone by and the story has not changed a bit...

Yet again, I am a girl not giving into the notion of GIRLS are only GIRLS and not BOYS...

I am standing here looking at my friends and seeing that fear in their eyes..

They will all give in, if they haven't already given in to a HUGE ROCK...

Fear was never able to claw into me, not that I am brave.. Its just that I never really gave into the world, never took it that seriously, never took myself that seriously..

And yeah, I crossed the oceans, came to the end of the world . To see with my own eyes that its the same story all over the world..

They tell the GIRLS that GIRLS are girls not BOYS and they buy it....
Lets give in , they tell themselves and join the sect, become part of the cult. They obey, for the sake of traditions, happiness, for the sake of approval ...

I am myself, always have been , will always stay myself..
its tough.. but thats what it is.. I am too lazy to become anything else or anybody else, I am too lazy to care about what others thing of me. I am too lame to look for others approval...

Once again, I am packing my bags and leaving...
It was a fun run while it lasted, but I just can't become a part of this SECT , this Cult...
I had this dream....
as a little girl....
to pack and leave, walk all over the world. I am half way done with my dream...
I have the rest of my life to live through it....
I am dancing to the song of my dream...
I am not going to give up..
I never did...
I never could...

2008-03-20T15:57:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night, I still don know what it means but I need to write it down not to forget i suppose..
i was back home ...
There was this little girl from a very poor family who made friends with me..
she was the sweetest, smartest little girl that I knew..
we were walking in the street , she grew tired and I started carrying her around, holding her tight.. it was the best feeling in the world..
She told me that now she is a happy little girl
but sooner than later she will grew into another bitter person, disillusioned by life and its miseries just like her older brother and father...
it started raining and i asked her if she wanted me to take her home.. she said " yeah , it was about time to go home..."
I didn't want to take her back to her miseries , but she had to go home to her family...
it started pouring rain and i woke up....
something told me that one day I have to go back home and bring a happy little girl with me back, just to prevent her from growing into a miserable woman...
I think i had a vision of my daughter last night...
my dreams rarely lie to me....

2008-03-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

It took fifteen years to get the first one outta my system
the second one only took two years..
and yeah now i am looking for another one!!!

Human being is an strange fauna and flora....

there is always a need , a longing for pain....
For that thing in your system.....
its just that as you get older the more you realize how its all just a game..
and how we are all kids in desperate needs of toys...
i am not being cynical or sarcastic or bitter....
i am just being honest with myself...

I want to anticipate the early morning phone calls...
I want to be able to squint my eyes at that someone...
I want to grow old and become my mother...
I have no problem with it...
And Love...
thats just a catalyst... nothing more..

ناصحم گفت که جز غم چه هنر دارد عشق برو ای خواجه عاقل هنری بهتر از این

2008-02-27T18:56:00.001-08:00

I don't wanna see you anymore...
hamin.....
It is all clean now...
deep down my heart...
sahar migoft kerm dari...
too nadari.. donya dareh....
hamash bayad biay inja..
ama tamoom shod..

Santa Cruz is all mine now..

you can have your own share of it....

amma digeh...
tamoom shodeh...
khaily vaghteh...

I cannot escape myself, though I feel that I am consuming my life

2008-02-14T14:30:00.001-08:00

"Let us discuss this bright and beautiful life of mine... Day and night I am held in the grip of one besetting thought, to write, write, write! Hardly have I finished one book then something urges me to write another, and then a third, and then a fourth—I write ceaselessly. I am, as it were, on a treadmill. I hurry forever from one story to another, and can't help myself. Do you see anything bright and beautiful in that? Oh, it is a wild life! Even now, thrilled as I am by talking to you, I do not forget for an instant that an unfinished story is awaiting me. My eye falls on that cloud there, which has the shape of a grand piano; I instantly make a mental note that I must remember to mention in my story a cloud floating by that looked like a grand piano. I smell heliotrope; I mutter to myself: a sickly smell, the color worn by widows; I must remember that in writing my next description of a summer evening. I catch an idea in every sentence of yours or of my own, and hasten to lock all these treasures in my literary storeroom, thinking that some day they may be useful to me. As soon as I stop working I rush off to the theatre or go fishing, in the hope that I may find oblivion there, but no! Some new subject for a story is sure to come rolling through my brain like an iron cannonball. I hear my desk calling, and have to go back to it and begin to write, write, write, once more. And so it goes for everlasting. I cannot escape myself, though I feel that I am consuming my life. To prepare the honey I feed to unknown crowds, I am doomed to brush the bloom from my dearest flowers, to tear them from their stems, and trample the roots that bore them under foot. Am I not a madman? Should I not be treated by those who know me as one mentally diseased? The best years of my youth were made one continual agony for me by my writing."

Chekhov ( The Seagull)

2008-02-13T10:57:00.001-08:00

Men have called me mad; but the

question is not yet settled,

whether madness is or is not the

loftiest intelligence-whether

much that is glorious-whether all

that is profound-does not spring

from disease of thought-from

moods of mind exalted at the

expense of the general intellect.

They who dream by day are cognizant

of many things which

escape those who dream only by

night. In their grey vision they

obtain glimpses of eternity....They

penetrate, however rudderless or

compassless, into the vast ocean

of the light affable (Edgar Allan

Poe, cited in Galloway, 1986, p.

243).

2008-02-02T16:55:00.001-08:00

life's not odd. life's even.
and everything happens twice.
every story, whether a love story, a farewell, or a betrayal story, they all happen twice.
and when you think you know everything, and when you think you're past the moment, you're back in the first place. and you don't know a thing about anything.
you're not supposed to be.
and no one can break any mirrors.
and no one can escape
and no room is of an odd number of walls.
life's strange, and it's real.
more than it's ever been.
and it's happening
again.
and again.
and every time, there's another time.
and it's real
and it's happening
and you may think you'll find another skin to wear
and you may not
and i do not
understand
what it is
i've done wrong
full of holes
check the pulse
blink your eyes
one for yes
two for no ...

2008-01-31T18:47:00.000-08:00

So yeah.. where was I?
hmmm...
I saw you again after all these years...
I was hopeful that this time around my eyes will open once and for all to the reality of life..
That I will see you for who you are and then laugh at myself for carrying this hope in my heart all these years...
That I even feel sorry for myself for looking for you in every man that I have been with and every lip that i have ever kissed...
I was hopeful to finally fine my peace and move on....
Yeah and you started talking...
Like the first time that I met you ; you didn't see me , like that first time you weren't talking to me...
And again I didn't understand even one word that you said...
You weren't even your old confident self, you had nothing on me... in fact this time around I was the one with the upper hand...
you and the horrible accent and that broken English..
But it was .... fifteen years ago all over again...
I was breathless.... hopelessly in love with you...
the more you talked the less I understood and the more I adored you ...
I don't really know what it is...
I keep telling myself that I am addicted to being in love..
I am addicted to obsessing over you..
That really you never really existed..
I mean your voice was so different... and I trust my memory
I keep telling myself that I fall for someone else that time around..
and I know I don't really care...
I don't know what is about you that I can't forget..
That I can't get over.,
You are still in love with yourself and your world..
You are still explaining yourself to the world..
I just wanted to see you once and for all to forget you, or to despise you or i donno laugh at myself for having any feelings for you...
And that didn't happen..
What is it ABOUT YOU??? WHAT THE HELL IS IT??
I just want to live my life..
I don't even want to have you...
well maybe because I don't care to share.. or I don't even know what is it like to have you. Sometimes I think it is scary...
When I was watching you, being so nervous and talking with that horrible accent. I wanted to tell you how lovely you are, and then I remembered that one time that you told me how people like you for stupid reasons, people like you because they don't know you...
oh good old days...
it is not about having someone, or being with that person...
I don't know what is it about anymore anyways...
All I know is that I am still in love with you....
That as pathetic it sounds you are the Love of my life..
and maybe that makes me a coward : Since it is so easy to love something that is not real..
but then ....
What is Love anyways???
All I know is that you have always been the only guy who has literally took my breath away...
and yeah I remember how you struggled to understand why ? How you tried to tell me that I am mistaken, that you are not all that.
Let's just leave it to faith...
Let's just live with it for now..
my lips are sealed..
now it's your turn to come and figure it all out....
I am not promising to wait for you...
I am going to live my life...
but I have a feeling, that this story is not going to end anytime soon....
I tried to end it...
Apparently it does not work that way...

ماه در آب

2008-01-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

صدای باران: مادرم یادداشت‌ اون روزش رو با یه سوال تموم كرده: كی ئه كه حتی یك بار آرزو نكرده باشه كاش می‌تونست همه چیز رو بذاره بره یه زندگی دیگه رو شروع كنه؟ یادداشت‌های مادرم رو دارم می‌خونم و می‌بینم من هم مثل پدرم اهل خداحافظی‌ام. اولین خداحافظی‌م با مادرم بود. بعد با اولین پسری كه می‌‌گفت عاشق‌م ئه خداحافظی كردم. بعد با كشوری كه توش به دنیا اومدم. بعد خداحافظی با پدرم. خاله آلما می‌گه: آدم‌ها دو دسته‌ن: آدم‌هایی كه می‌مونن، آدم‌هایی كه می‌رن. دایی آروین هم می‌گه آدم‌ها دو دسته‌ن:آدم‌هایی كه به رویاشون خیانت می‌كنن، آدم‌هایی كه دنبال رویاشون می‌رن. مادرم آی‌سودا هم می‌گفت آدم‌ها دو دسته‌‌ن. آدم‌هایی كه به ماه بالای سرشون خیره شدن و آدم‌هایی كه به ماه توی آب.

Down like rain

2008-01-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

Well I don't know why you come here
But you can't stay
Let's make that clear

Your eyes are closed but you don't speak
Is it comfort that you seek
Maybe we can just pretend

Leaves are falling down like rain
And I look to you again
Would you come away with me

Leaves are falling down like rain
You can see right through my pain
Like a window to the sea

Now your standing in the rain
That old feelings back again
But I don't know you anymore
The love I have is from before

And it's falling
Falling
Falling

Leaves are falling down like rain
And I look to you again
But it's only just a sea

Leaves are falling down like rain
You can see right through my pain
Like a window to the sea
All is falling down

Jesse cook

2007-12-07T19:31:00.001-08:00

I had a vision yesterday.....

I came home, you were sitting at the table drown in your own world.. busy with your theories...
It was bright and sunny....

I held you from behind and kissed your shoulder and neck... you giggled and asked me to stop...
I told you to go on with your work, and I will go on with adoring you.....
you told me it is impossible...
I told you : Life is tough like that....

I kept kissing you until I reached the top of your head, and couldn't go on....
I was staring at your white hairs, too many to be ignored...
You noticed me stopping but did not move....
You pretended that you are drown in your own world.....

I kissed your head
and left for the kitchen....

Where i smelled the food that you were preparing.....

I came back to the living room to tell you how much I love you.....

And you were not there anymore....
I was the only one in the living room....

I was still, happy and elated...

It did not matter if it was dream or reality...

For the first time in my life, I was able to love you for the person that you were...

For the first time I was able to allow you to be who you, not who I wanted you to be....

For the first time in my life I wasn't competing for attention with your papers....

For the first time in my life I was able to LOVE you .....

I found myself somewhere in the living room after i came back from the kitchen....

Nothing is lost....
Trust me....
It is all there....
There....
And this love...
it feels so real....
and so safe
I do not look for any reasons anymore...

I have accepted it the way that it is..

Because there is nothing fake about it....

I am not crazy....

I know it....
I am not...

2007-12-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

Today i am gonna forgive you..
i am gonna forgive me..
i am gonna forgive US..

today i am gonna let go of it all..

for the first time in years

it will be all me.. only me and my fears, me and my life
me and this very moment...

you are free, we are free, i am free...

it will take a while....

but freedom is here at last...

today is the day....

2007-12-02T18:36:00.001-08:00

I have become a repetition... a bore
everybody sounds the same...
i sound like them...
even you...
you are nothing but repeated memories...
nothing new is here
nothing worth spending your time on..
maybe it is a good thing..
maybe not..

2007-11-20T20:44:00.001-08:00

خواننده شعر

آرزو مي كردم

كه تو خواننده شعرم باشي

راستي شعر مرا مي خواني؟

نه دريغا هرگز!

باورم نيست كه خواننده شعرم باشي

كاشكي شعر مرا مي خواندي!

2007-11-12T18:57:00.000-08:00

- You know why he started growing his hair long after I left him?

- Why?

- To get on my nerves....

- How so?

- I always wanted him to grow his hair long, and he wouldn't budge...

- Did it ever occur to you that he might have grown his hair long to get you back??

2007-11-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

She is now at the point of her life where she just sits back and watches as the life goes by, silence has become her best friend. Living alone has thought her that life goes on regardless of the number of the words that one utters during day. She has now learned to live through her day uttering the least amount of words that she has to.

The other day she sat across the table from a supposedly stranger. She did not tell him that she had met him before in a party, by now she knew very well that not everybody suffers from having a very good memory. By now she knew very well that not everybody notices or remembers everything. Strangely enough she remembered his name too, even though she was not introduced to him.

They did not exchange that many words this time around, he told her that he has been to her city multiple times and knew the names of couple of important streets. He joked around with others, she flirted with him and he flirted back.

When they all said goodbye, they shook hands and he told her he hoped to see her again. He said the same thing to the girl next to her while shaking her hands. And then they all called it a night and went their own separate ways.

Going back home she couldn’t stop thinking about that moment when they were all standing outside the restaurant talking, and she looked at him. Nobody had made her feel so safe and comfortable in a long time; it felt like he was never a stranger and all he did was being himself. All night long he gave all the right answers to everybody’s questions. He even did not mind making fun of himself being a Jew and supposedly cheap.

He was short she noticed for a second and then forgot; her ex-boyfriend once made fun of her affection for tall men by telling her that his only competition will be a lamp post.

On the way back home she thought to herself that she might never run into him again, but then she knew life was all about the random meeting of random people. And once in a while a random stranger will make you feel the way that none of your friends do. She was old enough to know that she had to take that moment and run with it. Life was compromised of these tiny moments of feeling safe and secure, feeling just like yourself.

Once

2007-10-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
You know I really try
To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me
And I do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

2007-10-06T12:42:00.000-07:00

we drink, cry, cheat, sleep around, lie , leave , wonder around.. we so absolutely anything to forget..
Forget the pain, the sadness, the other people..
we do anything to forget ourselves and the miserable creatures that we are...
Misery is not brought on you by anybody but you...
death, departure, distance that is natural.. sulking , succumbing to pressure that is what does not make sense to me, yet i do it..
these days all i do is traveling down my memory lane to forget about the new people who I let in my life just to come and ruin me and leave...
nothing has changed....
i am the same person...
and it does not feel right anymore..

2007-10-06T10:48:00.001-07:00

I want to see you and talk to you, one last time whatever it takes...
Please....
Come

2007-09-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

You know what i wanted the most out of life tonight?
for you to hold me tight and tell me happy birthday...
You know what i missed this morning? Your very early morning phone call from overseas to wish me all the best..
You, each of you were a lover of mine... or thats what i thought...
the empty chairs will never leave my life...
once you love you cant stop it...
no matter how much you have hurt and how much they have hurt you....
why we made our lives so complicated????
today i dig through the dirt and found that letter that i wrote you...
i just couldn't go through it, one piece of bullshit ....
you ...
i am happy ....
tipsy...
and i just want to tell you , all o f you.. each single one of you...
"kash boodi, kash mimandi , va nemirafti..."
i just wish you didn't have to come back one day and tell me : " I know I should've been stronger for the both of us..." I just wish You were, so i didn't have to find refuge in arms of pne you after the other you...

2007-09-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

I drove there yesterday when the whole world was telling me to stop... The world even throw a nail in my tire so i stop and do not drive there....
I went home and I knew I had to go....
I was looking for you, after all these years..
I needed to fight with my destiny....
they told me not to drive on the spare tire, it is not safe...
I drove with it and it felt funky....
I parked under my sister's house, she did not answer my call so I came to look for you...
Chai Latte' in one hand I walked towards the Cafe Estrada, they said you were there the last time that anybody has heard of you....
I walked and told the city that I am fighting with my destiny, I asked the city if she is with me and she smiled...
I was not there by choice, the city has brought me over here...
There is a pull into it...
It is not a coincidence that I live 20 mints from here...
City Has given me back my sister, even if it is for a short while...
Even though sometimes I go to her place and we don't even talk.. we just sit quiet and do our own thing...
The City brought "N," back after all these years just so i can redeem myself..
just so I know we are good , there are no hard feelings over there...
And now "You," my ultimate fantasy, love of my life, man of my dreams...
after all these years the city has brought you back to me....
You don't even know that I am here...
You don't even know my name anymore...
you dont even know me anymore...
but the city knows better than me and you....
And I walked towards, bancroft, i passed Telegraph, and for a minute I got scared what If Cafe Estrada was in Durant??
but then I walked regardless ...
I was going to find you...
I was going to see you from behind with your long curly locks of pulled back , sitting in the cafe coming up with yet another Theorem ....
I was going to stand there and stop breathing....
Time was supposed to stop..
Because they say "Time stops when you meet the love of your life.."
The first I met you time stopped and I forgot breathing for a second... And I was never quiet the same person ever since...
Yeah I finally found the Cafe Estrada..
I came in and looked around, i went around the cafe' couple of times and looked for you...
and you were not there...
God knows where you are..
I know where you are..
but i am not coming there ...
nope..
i was looking for you in Cafe Estrada and you were not there..
my life has been the Cafe Estrada for the past fourteen years...
I always know where you are, it's always not to hard to come and find you... I even know your office number...
But I want you to be sitting in Cafe Estrada waiting for me.. and you are never there..
I am crazy....
I am out of it..
and it fits me just right...
if you want me the way that I am come to Cafe Estrada, sit there , be yourself and wait for me..
if not...
Then ...
One day I will find what I want where I want..
oh and Berkeley...
Thank you for giving me everything that I want from life....

2007-09-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

You're living in a fantasy world...
The most beautiful world
I'm on your side
Nowhere to hide
Trapdoors that open
I spiral down
I'm lost at sea,
Don't bother me
I've lost my way,

I got a message I can't read,
Another message I can't read

You're living in a fantasy world...
The most beautiful world

2007-09-11T22:47:00.001-07:00

She said she fall for a chap when she was very young, fourteen to be exact. It was so strange and complicated that she had to walk away from her heart’s desire once and for all. He didn’t even notice….

The breaking away part was even more complicated than the affair itself. She started new relationship just to get over him; she slept around in order to forget.

Down in her path of self medication and forgetfulness once she met yet another wrong guy. He was wrong from the beginning she knew it in her heart, but she did not care. After couple of months he would become another person in the crowd, just a name.

Or that’s what she thought; the affair lasted longer than she thought. She cried for him more than anybody she ever knew. And yeah she eventually had to leave, he was just wrong…

The breaking away part felt even more wrong that the affair itself.

So one day “her first love, “ came along and she dreamt of starting it all over with him just to forget her pain and get over the other one…

2007-09-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

This is just beyond i donno what..
I mean i don't even dramatize it..

"K," has fucking moved into my city, well my future city.. right across the bridge.. I see that city every single night from my place...
I see the lights..
with his special someone or something like that..
WHY????
WHY???
First that stupid Ex moves back to bay area with his imported bride/rebound girl... and marries her..
NOW "K," what does the fucking universe trying to tell me..
After 7 years..
he has moved here, its temporary he will leave..
I don't know what to say..
I go there every fucking week, i work there..
i donno what to say...
i sit here and every man who has been in my life comes to my fucking back yard..
all GHOSTS...
where do i live in ? House of spirits?? What the hell is going on here??????
FUCK THE FUCKING LIFE..
i donno what is going on here.. but i want to move on beyond all these people..
thats all...
move away ghosts..
i cant take you anymore..

2007-09-05T18:59:00.002-07:00

I forgive you....
I Have found it in my heart...

I forgive me for wasting two precious years of my life on you...

" The wasted years are the best years of your life anyways.." Marcel Proust said once...

I forgive you...

I never hated you..

I hurt you , and then you hurt me back..

We have always been even...

good luck with your life..